A small child jumped out at me and my friend shouting ”THE DOCTORS HERE!!” and pointing a wooden screwdriver at us.
After a few moments of staring at the boy and thinking “what the fuck”, we noticed the boy was actually dressed as the 11th doctor, bow tie and all.
Our reaction?
And no. Stealing was not allowed. His dad said no. We asked.
Wow. Our first blog which doesn’t focus entirely on bitching about the massive fail that is Neil Jordan’s directing skills. I can’t help but feel this is a historic moment for us. There is a story behind the Vampire Chronicles film series.
Once upon a time, Hollywood was given the licence to turn Anne Rice’s novels in to films. However, like all good fairy tales, the spell wore off at midnight, or after ten years in Hollywood terms. Instead of spending time working on the films, or even reading the books, they decided to push it to one side, and come back to it later. One monumental fuck-up by Neil Jordan and nine years later, some genius in the Universal Studio realised “Oh shit. We need to make more films.” Not having much time left, they decided to roll ‘The Vampire Lestat’ and ‘The Queen of the Damned’ in to one fun-sized film. It topped the box office for weeks after its release, and they all lived happily ever after, hoping no one had noticed.
Oh. We noticed. And once again, we were astounded at their ability to make $45 million out of a book they’d clearly never fucking opened. But that’s show business.
Characters
Way to miss out most of the characters guys. We’re impressed. I mean to miss out Louis? You may recall him from the first film. He was played by Brad Pitt.
Kelly would also like to express her dismay that Nicki wasn’t involved in this plot. We’ll come back to him later, but I think we can sum up her feelings in one swift quote: ZE FUCK?
Other characters in our menagerie of forgotten souls are: Gabrielle (Lestat’s mother and incestuous love interest), Baby Jenks and the Fang Gang (I kid you not), Daniel and Mekare. We think Eric was there… but we really can’t guarantee.
Lestat (B) – a blond haired, blue eyed Frenchman, with a flamboyant and mischievous nature.
Lestat (M) – a black haired, brown eyes pseudo-Frenchman, with a stoic and angst-ridden nature. Bravo Stu.
Marius (B) – A tall Roman, with long blond hair and a dazzling ability to colour-coordinate. He’s frozen in ice for most of the book.
Marius (M) – An average height guy with short black hair and something of a main plot point. Strange.
David (B) – about 70… then his body is swapped, and he’s young and… just read ‘The Tale of the Body Thief’. Save us time.
David (M) – Waxing a mid-life crisis, but not 70.
Khayman (B): A tanned Egyptian and a rapist.
Khayman (M): A pale creepy guy who LOOKS like a rapist.
Armand (B): the red-headed, cherub-looking teenager, who was born in Russia and raised in Italy.
Armand (M): a Claudia look-alike, whose best lines were cut. They’ll get it right one day Armand.
Problems with the Film (in their bountiful glory)
1. Just to get this out there… the only reason I subjected myself to Queen of the Damned was because of the S&M relationship between Armand and Daniel. I won’t deny it, I love the sadist. So, when Armand has very little screen time, and Daniel is non-existent… I get a little bit upset. THIS is what you missed out on:
Once Armand had dragged Daniel out of bed in New Orleans and shouted at him: “That telephone, I want you to dial Paris, I want to see if you can really talk to Paris.”
“Goddam it, do it yourself,” Daniel had roared “You’re five hundred years old and you can’t use a telephone? Read the directions. What are you? An immortal idiot? I will do no such thing!”
How surprised Armand had looked. “All right, I’ll call Paris for you. But you pay the bill.”
“But of course,” Armand had said innocently. He had drawn dozens of hundred-dollar bills out of his coat, sprinkling them on Daniels bed.
2. This is Kelly’s point. Over to you Kelly.
I get to speak? Cool! Okay. So the premise for the film was it combines The Vampire Lestat with Queen of the Damned to make one super movie. But I’m relatively sure that the director didn’t even own a copy of ‘The Vampire Lestat’, as they did almost nothing about Lestat’s history and what they did, they got wrong. Nicki was ignored completely (as was Gabrielle, but I don’t really care about her), I seriously take this to heart and am personally offended by his absence. There’s so much I could write here about Lestat and Nicki’s history, but I would recommend you just read the book instead. It’ll be a hell of a lot easier (plus, we must have some kind of word limit on this thing.) Then there’s the ‘artistic license’ of Marius being Lestat’s creator. Like hell it is. They just misspelled ‘Magnus’ and didn’t want to correct it. Poor Armand must be devastated, the boy’s angst enough as it is. ‘ …I should probably stop now…Onto the next point!
3. The biggest plot point in the Vampire Chronicles (yes, amongst the homoerotic scenes of vampire males and overdrawn angst, there is an overarching plot) is the tale of the twins.
Basically, the twins Maharet and Mekare were witches in Egypt. When they tried to eat their mother’s heart and brain at her funeral, Akasha sent out an army who killed everyone and who took the twins to Akasha. Mekare called on a spirit, Amel, to help her. The twins were raped by Khayman as punishment; Maharet had a baby, etc etc. The spirit developed a taste for blood, and ended up in the body of Akasha, who became the first vampire.
Funny. I don’t recall there being much of that. It was the most repeated backstory of the entire series and they missed it. Maharet was there though. That was nice.
4. The Talamacsa have a motto. They’re like supernatural Boy Scouts like that- “We watch and are always there.” It’s sort of their thing. Don’t misquote them.
5. Marius is a painter. It’s one of things. He was the one who painted the many pictures in David’s office. Armand was the one who posed for them.
But it’s understandable that you got this bit wrong. You’ve never read the books after all, and the casting choices make everything a little fuzzy.
6. Lestat’s journal is utter bullshit. First of all, it was Jesse who finds a journal, not David. She didn’t even find Lestat’s. It was Claudia’s (even when the bitch is dead, she’s still causing unnecessary trouble).
7. Continuing with this diary, she starts reading it in French, and then it goes back to Lestat. Speaking in English. Would it have killed them to do it one language?
8. In the book, Marius shows Lestat the temple, which painted all pretty~ It didn’t just happen accidentally. We’re not letting you get away with using Deus ex machine. Fucking hacks.
9. Kelly had this massive bitch about the clothes of the statues turning to stone. She likes the idea of the other vampires dressing the statues. It makes me think of some hellish Barbie. God, toys were never that cool when we were kids.
10. Lestat wouldn’t be able to play violin, since Nicki apparently never existed. That makes a lot of the storyline… utter bull. And he couldn’t have kept said violin that he now can’t play, because Enkil destroyed it. So in actuality, Jesse would have died at this point, for making up imaginary violins.
11. Lestat walks out in to the sun… no. He is a REAL vampire. Or… as real as a fictional vampire can be. He can’t go out in to the sun, nor does he sparkle.
12. Pandora dies. We don’t care about it that much. It just didn’t happen.
13. The ending… Jesse and Lestat, huh? …Yeah… we’re telling Louis, He’s gonna be pissed.
14. Marius didn’t make David either. He didn’t make a lot of people, actually.
What They Got Right
A new segment that we hope to repeat some time! It probably won’t be though… Well, Maharet cried blood. That was right. And Marius wore his colour! That was also good.
My favourite bit, however, was in the deleted scenes. This is an exchange between Marius and Armand:
Marius: Armand?
Armand: You thought I was dead and gone…
Marius: You sound bitter.
If you’ve read ‘Blood and Gold’, you’ll know that this is hilarious, as Marius left Armand to the Satanic Vampire cult. I’d be bitter too.
Generic Bitching in the Form of Letters
Dear Anne Rice,
Please let your fan girls decide what is good for your stories. You’re losing your mind very slowly, and it’s affecting your decision making. Please stop it. And stop complaing all the time. Seriosusly. not everyone likes your work. We get it.
Dear Michael Rymer,
Congratulations on making it in to our blog. It’s a feat. We hope you improve your directing skills. Stay the fuck away from the new Lestat film, or so help us we will track you down and exact our revenge in the form of a vat of sulphuric acid, a sleep-deprived otter and a rubber buck. You’ve been warned.
Love, The Crew here at ‘There’s a Reason For This, We’re Sure’
I felt obliged to update this thing, since I mentioned it in my UCAS statement.
Neil Jordan has ruined my fucking life. As a person, I am passionate, and when I like things… I adore them.
First, he fucked up Anne Rice for me.
NOW I find he’s attacked Angela Carter, and her Little Red Riding Hood stories.
It’s not even funny how tragic this is to me. I adore fairy tales with every inch of my being. LRRH is one of my favourites, and when I read Angela Carter, I was amazed.
Then Mr. Neil Jordan waltzes in, like the two-bit hack he is, and screws everything up. Well fucking done.
So, without further ado… My top 5 reasons why Neil Jordan should be sterilised, to prevent any further mishaps with the things I love.
In short:
Dear Neil Jordan,
Keep away from Hello Kitty, or I swear to God, I’ll hunt you down, whip you until you bleed, force you in to an Iron Maiden, and take great pleasure in hearing your screams as the needles slowly enter your body, missing those vital organs of yours.
Much love,
Stephanie, from ‘There’s a Reason For This’
Before we begin this massive rant on how directors are given too much artistic bloody licence, let’s paint a picture of the scene.
Two teenage females, who have a day off, decide to waste away their afternoon with the typical cravings teenage females feel—an overwhelming desire to watch homosexual vampires. Thus, they decide to watch Interview with the Vampire.
So, Kelly and I adore the books. Sure, they’re slow-placed, tediously prone to dwelling on tiny details we don’t care about, and they’re abundant with annoying females we don’t care to read about… and yes, they are poorly veiled smutty novels masquerading as mainstream literature… but it’s strangely addicting.
Anyway, we’ve seen the film… about a million times. We can quote it. All of it. And it struck us how different the books and the films are.
When I say struck, I mean it quite literally struck us in the face like a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (we’re lucky to be alive right now); we ended up screaming at Antonio Banderas (who, incidentally, is the only actor in the film we can stand).
So, here is what that fucking hack Neil Jordan got wrong. This is just what we can remember- we currently don’t have the research material at hand. But we feel that, if Neil Jordan can direct a film without ever glancing at the book, we can write a bloody blog with what you can remember.
Key (This is some Rocket Science stuff here):
(B) = Book
(M)= Movie
Casting Issues:
Louis (B) - Black-haired, green eyed young man of 25.
Louis (M) – Brown-haired, green-yellow eyes. Brad Pitt is NOT 25.
Daniel (B) – Blond hair, violet eyes, and pretty damn young, considering he’s only called ‘The boy’. Molloy was his surname.
Daniel (M) – Brown hair, brown eyes, ‘trying to look intellectual’ glasses, seemingly going through a mid-life crisis. Malloy- learn to spell you fecking butt trumpet.
Claudia (B) – 6 year old, with the mind of a fully-functioning adult
Claudia (M) – 12 year old, with the mind of a Paris Hilton clone.
Armand (B) – the red-headed, cherub-looking teenage, who was born in Russia and raised in Italy.
Armand (M) – Antonio Banderas, the Spanish actor. Ooh. Sharp casting there, Neil.
Issues with his directing skills
1- Lestat is pronounced “Les dot”. It has a French flair. That’s because he’s French. Not Tom Cruise.
2- Louis has a wife and kids. A nice thought, I admit, but what about his brother. You know… the one who went all insane and thought God was talking to him? He was only like… the cause of Louis’ depression? No?? Alright…
3- Louis as a straight guy- Haha… yeah…
4- Lestat can not fly. He’s not SuperVamp. At least not until ‘Queen of The Damned’ (look forward to that blog)
5- Kelly would like to get a bit pissy about the random circus in the background in one scene. I for one, could not care less. I’m distracted by the gay vampires.
6- … Coffin scene? Where’s the coffin scene? Dude! Two incredibly hot vampires sharing a coffin because that silly Lestat “forgot” Louis would need a coffin. Oopsies. We demand this scene!
7- Question! Where is Lestat’s dad? One of the reasons Lestat turned Louis was for his Dad! I like to think he’s swanning around in the land of the Forgotten with Louis’ brother and Lestat’s ex.
8- …And Babette, the plantation owner’s sister…
9- Not to mention the musician boy Lestat turned.
10- The God awful French accents, which seem to go downhill in the sequel (Ooh… spoilers)
11- The magic scissors re-appearing trick. Claudia throws the scissors down in one scene, which she then magically makes them reappear in her hand in another. Conclusive proof that Claudia is a magician… and a Mary-Sue.
12- “I’LL PUT YOU IN YOUR COFFIN!!!” … Please, put me in mine…
13- Ignorance of the Noseferatu style nomads in Europe. I miss those guys. They were super swell!
14- When Louis cries (which is way too much for a two and a half hour film), he cries tears. No… no… blood. He cries blood. Vampire. Blood. Get it?
15- Armand wears red. No! No! Red is Marius’ colour. Blue is Armand’s. Damn it, Marius spent a lot of time coordinating the vampires so they look fabulous. Do NOT fuck that up for him. It’s all he has! (Marius= a tolerable Gok Wan)
16- The ginger vampire in Le Théatre de Vampires- we’re not being gingeriest here. We’re full of mad Weasley loving. BUT all the vampires dyed their hair black. It was one of the few characteristics Anne Rice bothered to give her generic villains, so do NOT take that way from us!
17- NO KISS SCENES?? HAVE YOU READ THE FECKING BOOK?? IT’S NOTHING BUT HOMO S&M PORNO, AND YOU WON’T BEGRUDGE US A LOUSY KISS?? (I hope you’re happy Neil. You ruined our Gay Day…)
18- Louis and Armand end up together in the book. Would it have killed you to add an extra ten minutes of the film so we could see that? Of course, that would mean sitting through one of Brad Pitt’s annoying angst-ridden monologue on how the times changed and he was still a monster, bound to the earth like Prometheus to the mountain as the vulture of sin— BLAHBLAHBLAH
19- The ending suggests that Lestat made Daniel in to a vampire. Umm… bullshit? Daniel went to find Lestat, but found Armand instead. They then started an s&m relationship, and quickly became our favourite pairing. Until Daniel went crazy and started playing with lego in the basement… to be later replaced by Benjie and Sybill… but still, they were cute while they lasted.
20- We need to round this off on a nice number. So… “HHHWHINING”?? It’s not cool on Family Guy, and it’s not cool here.
Generic Bitching in The Form of Letters
Dear Claudia,
Ze. Fuck.
You’re bratty, whining little child and a callous bitch, but does Louis care? No. He adores you, and starts this creepily inappropriate relationship with you (homosexuality- great! Paedophilia… not so much). You killed Lestat. Twice. Stop doing that! If it didn’t work the first time, DON’T try again! (This is message we send out, kids. Trying again just isn’t worth it.) Even the vampires masquerading as humans masquerading as vampires doesn’t amuse you (AKA the avant-garde guys. You may remember them. They owned your ass).
PS You’re an unnecessary catalyst. You should have died with your plague-ridden mother. God, we hate you!
Dear Louis,
We understand you’re angsty, and it’s the only character trait you have. We also understand that you have a little right to be a little bit depressed. But really… the colour blue? If you’re running out of angst for your “wife” and Claudia, fine. You can stop angsting. But quit making shit up to feel sad over. Seriously… if you missed it that much, steal a crayon from a small child. It’ll be the only interesting thing you’ll do this film.
Dear Daniel,
TRY to be useful? You do nothing! However, we are fully behind you on the whole “MAKE ME A VAMPIRE!” thing! We here at “There’s a Reason for this, We’re sure” hope you remember us when you turn in to a vampire! (But before you go crazy. If Kelly can’t handle me a little bit hyper, there’s no way in hell she can handle you in a manic mood).
Dear Lestat,
Grow a back bone. It’s fluroescent lighting. At worst, it’s a bit annoying. Whimpering in to Louis is just pathetic. You were kick ass at the beginning of this film, what with the breaking of grandma’s neck and the dancing with corpses. Now… Louis looks macho. LOUIS. Ze. Fuck???
However, we were most impressed that you were almost as flamboyant as the original. Please keep us informed on Tom Cruise’s closet status.
***
Dear Neil Jordan,
You fucked up our favourite book. We need a new fandom now.
There’s a reason for this, we’re sure.
Lots of love and hate mail,
Stephanie and Kelly- The crew here at “There’s a Reason”
