Before we begin this massive rant on how directors are given too much artistic bloody licence, let’s paint a picture of the scene.
Two teenage females, who have a day off, decide to waste away their afternoon with the typical cravings teenage females feel—an overwhelming desire to watch homosexual vampires. Thus, they decide to watch Interview with the Vampire.
So, Kelly and I adore the books. Sure, they’re slow-placed, tediously prone to dwelling on tiny details we don’t care about, and they’re abundant with annoying females we don’t care to read about… and yes, they are poorly veiled smutty novels masquerading as mainstream literature… but it’s strangely addicting.
Anyway, we’ve seen the film… about a million times. We can quote it. All of it. And it struck us how different the books and the films are.
When I say struck, I mean it quite literally struck us in the face like a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (we’re lucky to be alive right now); we ended up screaming at Antonio Banderas (who, incidentally, is the only actor in the film we can stand).
So, here is what that fucking hack Neil Jordan got wrong. This is just what we can remember- we currently don’t have the research material at hand. But we feel that, if Neil Jordan can direct a film without ever glancing at the book, we can write a bloody blog with what you can remember.
Key (This is some Rocket Science stuff here):
(B) = Book
Louis (B) - Black-haired, green eyed young man of 25.
Louis (M) – Brown-haired, green-yellow eyes. Brad Pitt is NOT 25.
Daniel (B) – Blond hair, violet eyes, and pretty damn young, considering he’s only called ‘The boy’. Molloy was his surname.
Daniel (M) – Brown hair, brown eyes, ‘trying to look intellectual’ glasses, seemingly going through a mid-life crisis. Malloy- learn to spell you fecking butt trumpet.
Claudia (B) – 6 year old, with the mind of a fully-functioning adult
Claudia (M) – 12 year old, with the mind of a Paris Hilton clone.
Armand (B) – the red-headed, cherub-looking teenage, who was born in Russia and raised in Italy.
Armand (M) – Antonio Banderas, the Spanish actor. Ooh. Sharp casting there, Neil.
Issues with his directing skills
1- Lestat is pronounced “Les dot”. It has a French flair. That’s because he’s French. Not Tom Cruise.
2- Louis has a wife and kids. A nice thought, I admit, but what about his brother. You know… the one who went all insane and thought God was talking to him? He was only like… the cause of Louis’ depression? No?? Alright…
3- Louis as a straight guy- Haha… yeah…
4- Lestat can not fly. He’s not SuperVamp. At least not until ‘Queen of The Damned’ (look forward to that blog)
5- Kelly would like to get a bit pissy about the random circus in the background in one scene. I for one, could not care less. I’m distracted by the gay vampires.
6- … Coffin scene? Where’s the coffin scene? Dude! Two incredibly hot vampires sharing a coffin because that silly Lestat “forgot” Louis would need a coffin. Oopsies. We demand this scene!
7- Question! Where is Lestat’s dad? One of the reasons Lestat turned Louis was for his Dad! I like to think he’s swanning around in the land of the Forgotten with Louis’ brother and Lestat’s ex.
8- …And Babette, the plantation owner’s sister…
9- Not to mention the musician boy Lestat turned.
10- The God awful French accents, which seem to go downhill in the sequel (Ooh… spoilers)
11- The magic scissors re-appearing trick. Claudia throws the scissors down in one scene, which she then magically makes them reappear in her hand in another. Conclusive proof that Claudia is a magician… and a Mary-Sue.
12- “I’LL PUT YOU IN YOUR COFFIN!!!” … Please, put me in mine…
13- Ignorance of the Noseferatu style nomads in Europe. I miss those guys. They were super swell!
14- When Louis cries (which is way too much for a two and a half hour film), he cries tears. No… no… blood. He cries blood. Vampire. Blood. Get it?
15- Armand wears red. No! No! Red is Marius’ colour. Blue is Armand’s. Damn it, Marius spent a lot of time coordinating the vampires so they look fabulous. Do NOT fuck that up for him. It’s all he has! (Marius= a tolerable Gok Wan)
16- The ginger vampire in Le Théatre de Vampires- we’re not being gingeriest here. We’re full of mad Weasley loving. BUT all the vampires dyed their hair black. It was one of the few characteristics Anne Rice bothered to give her generic villains, so do NOT take that way from us!
17- NO KISS SCENES?? HAVE YOU READ THE FECKING BOOK?? IT’S NOTHING BUT HOMO S&M PORNO, AND YOU WON’T BEGRUDGE US A LOUSY KISS?? (I hope you’re happy Neil. You ruined our Gay Day…)
18- Louis and Armand end up together in the book. Would it have killed you to add an extra ten minutes of the film so we could see that? Of course, that would mean sitting through one of Brad Pitt’s annoying angst-ridden monologue on how the times changed and he was still a monster, bound to the earth like Prometheus to the mountain as the vulture of sin— BLAHBLAHBLAH
19- The ending suggests that Lestat made Daniel in to a vampire. Umm… bullshit? Daniel went to find Lestat, but found Armand instead. They then started an s&m relationship, and quickly became our favourite pairing. Until Daniel went crazy and started playing with lego in the basement… to be later replaced by Benjie and Sybill… but still, they were cute while they lasted.
20- We need to round this off on a nice number. So… “HHHWHINING”?? It’s not cool on Family Guy, and it’s not cool here.
Generic Bitching in The Form of Letters
You’re bratty, whining little child and a callous bitch, but does Louis care? No. He adores you, and starts this creepily inappropriate relationship with you (homosexuality- great! Paedophilia… not so much). You killed Lestat. Twice. Stop doing that! If it didn’t work the first time, DON’T try again! (This is message we send out, kids. Trying again just isn’t worth it.) Even the vampires masquerading as humans masquerading as vampires doesn’t amuse you (AKA the avant-garde guys. You may remember them. They owned your ass).
PS You’re an unnecessary catalyst. You should have died with your plague-ridden mother. God, we hate you!
We understand you’re angsty, and it’s the only character trait you have. We also understand that you have a little right to be a little bit depressed. But really… the colour blue? If you’re running out of angst for your “wife” and Claudia, fine. You can stop angsting. But quit making shit up to feel sad over. Seriously… if you missed it that much, steal a crayon from a small child. It’ll be the only interesting thing you’ll do this film.
TRY to be useful? You do nothing! However, we are fully behind you on the whole “MAKE ME A VAMPIRE!” thing! We here at “There’s a Reason for this, We’re sure” hope you remember us when you turn in to a vampire! (But before you go crazy. If Kelly can’t handle me a little bit hyper, there’s no way in hell she can handle you in a manic mood).
Grow a back bone. It’s fluroescent lighting. At worst, it’s a bit annoying. Whimpering in to Louis is just pathetic. You were kick ass at the beginning of this film, what with the breaking of grandma’s neck and the dancing with corpses. Now… Louis looks macho. LOUIS. Ze. Fuck???
However, we were most impressed that you were almost as flamboyant as the original. Please keep us informed on Tom Cruise’s closet status.
Dear Neil Jordan,
You fucked up our favourite book. We need a new fandom now.
There’s a reason for this, we’re sure.
Lots of love and hate mail,
Stephanie and Kelly- The crew here at “There’s a Reason”